1) Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
2) David Gibson “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3) Emo Philips “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”
4) Jack Whitehall “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
5) Gary Delaney “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
6) John Bishop “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
7) Bo Burnham “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
8) Gary Delaney “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
9) Robert White “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.”
10) Gareth Richards “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”